I walked out

I just walked out of my wife's apartment for the last time. I have not worked out or posted anything because when I'm with her, I totally get emerged in her. I caught her again talking to the same man she had the affair with. She still loves him. She talks to multiple people. I'm shocked and sad. But, I can't say I didn't give her a chance. I can get back to postinh thoughts and ideas. This isn't as bad as it seems because I never allowed myself to completely trust her. I'm actually relieved....(sigh)

Draft: I wish I could...(unsent text)

I wish I could completely understand you. I wish I knew exactly what you wanted from me. I wish I knew why you don't completely love me. I wish I knew exactly the reason, why, I am not enough for you because maybe then, I could somehow change myself to fullfill those needs. Maybe then I could fix, whatever it is, that is wrong with me. I know that it's probably impossible, but for you, it's worth a shot. So just answer me so I can get to work.

This seems a little pathetic, but it's exactly how I feel. Of course, I will never send this text to my wife. Someone once told me that, at this point, my pride should take over my heart. Its true and its the only thing that keeps from sending this or any other pleas, for her to love the way I want. I miss her. I started spending time with her again. Things seemed cool, but she said some things that were very weird to me. That I couldn't complain if she was talking to someone. I did find out that the man she use to state was her "best friend " spent valentine's with her at her job. I do have to mention that when she was telling me to move back in and that she would change she stated she didn't talk to him at all. I was highly disappointed. I just walked out, there's no point of fighting anymore. She did ask why I was leaving and I didn't say anything, but I asked her to just live life, the way she really wants to. I do wish it was with me, but I have to accept it. I am really starting to see the lesson. Life is trying to teach me to let go. To let her be happy even if it will hurt me. It's teaching me to be strong. I need to learn these lessons and like a good parent my life is showing me hard lessons. I'm actually not sad. I'm disappointed, but she will find happiness and I'm content with that right now. I say right now, because I know I still have to see her date, marry, and have other kids. At least right now I'm ready for that pain.

Guilt

Today is my daughter's birthday. Although she spent the night with me, I dropped her off, around midday, with my wife. She is having a skating party. I had planed to attend, but in a cowardly fashion I didn't go in the end. I didn't want to deal with my wife's best friend and her friend's family. They see me as the bad guy. It's like in their eyes, I pushed my wife to have an affair. I have never pointed fingers at my wife throughout our years. Even my mom always thought I was the reason for our fights. I would just suit and listen to my mom advice me on how I should change. I caught her various times talking to other men. She has admitted to having a secret relationship with her ex, whom she told me she still cares for. I have a broken heart. That's it. I hope one day I can feel no pain when I see my wife, but right now everything is so fresh and I have to admit, I still break down and cry sometimes. With all that, I feel extremely weak and guilty for not being there for my daughter. This time last year, I was watching my daughter play in her bounce house, and watching her brand new dog. In less than a year MY world has been stolen from me. I still hate my actions right now. It basically proves her best friend right. I feel soft. As a man, and most importantly as a father, I should of went. I justified it this morning by telling myself that it wasn't my fault that I didn't go. I told myself that if she would of kept us together I wouldn't be in this position. It is my fault. I decided to not go. I should of sucked it up. Now, I missed my daughter's 4th birthday because of a weak emotional reaction on my end. I have no one to blame but myself.

Very Random

I'm in the living room, The Chilli Peppers are blasting through the speakers and I'm kind of just chillin. My brother is here and we are just talking about the most random subjects. Mainly, concepts that we have about life. I really do have a strong belief that the negative things that happen to us are just life lessons. If we really understand this and accept it, I think it would really keep people from struggling and keep them moving forward instead  of dwelling on the past. Although, I understand we are emotional beings. Trust me. I am very emotional and tend to think about the past and how I could of done something different. I understand that dwelling on the past will have no benefit on the present or the future yet I still think about it. I don't why, I guess its just who I am. I can, stop thinking about it if I consciously make the effort. That's the point consciously making the effort to change. Just like anything else whenever you keep doing something over and over it becomes part of you. It becomes natural. I read a quote and it basically stated that the constant perseverance to better ourselves is the meaning of life. I think this is true.

Just Writing

  I originally wanted to write this blog in order to write my thoughts and ideas down. I have no direction in which I would like to take this blog. I don't just want to write about events unfolding in my life. I hope that one day I have a greater clarification and direction for this blog but until then I plan to just write. Whatever comes from it, is not really important to me, at this point.
  It is my lunch break, and today I skipped my usual lunch in the cafeteria with co-workers to hit up this park near my job. I'm sitting on a bench and the weather is in the mid 50s but it is very sunny so it feels great. I needed to get away today, to think. I consider myself a loner and introvert, although I know that for the most part its socially unacceptable to be this way. But every now and then I must indulge in being alone and just thinking. I have always been an over thinker. I want clarification about everything. I often can spend a while just thinking about a certain situation or event and wonder, why? I want answers and I can honestly say it gets frustrating at times. I envy my dad's attitude. He is very calm and doesn't do too much thinking. Its almost as if he just accepts life as it comes his way. This way of living, to me, doesn't make sense, but I can see the benefit of it. Thinking about things doesn't really help the situation. Alot of what happens to us in life is beyond our control and the best strategy is to just let it be and accept.
  The thing about me is I want to constantly better myself. I want to find balance in everything I do. I want to think and analyze situations until they make sense but I also want to know when its time to just let it be. I'm definitely a work in progress. I remember I use to wonder what is the meaning or purpose of life. I'm starting to think that its simply to continually work in bettering ourselves. I am definitely trying.

Sad

  I spend all day joking and smiling. I really am a great actor. While I am at work I pretend that I have not one care in the world. I am friends with everyone and they invite me places and some tell me their problems and I have one real friend who knows my life. But, what they don't know is I'm not completely happy or even remotely happy. I'm sad. I miss my life, wife, my little family. I never needed the parties, the friends, money, anything. I was so happy that I had what I had at such an early age. To me, its so beautiful to have someone there that knows everything about you, all of your secrets and everything that is good and bad about you. Despite everything, they love you for who you are and will be there for the rest of your life. At least at some point I thought I had this.
   I staeted to feel down because I just told my daughter that she was going with her mother and that I'll pick her up on Sunday. Her eyes began to water. I hugged her, told her I loved her and asked, "Are you sad?" She nodded in agreement. I hate to disappoint her. And sometimes... no, I always feel she deserves a regular family. I feel like a bad father, like I'm letting her down. A co-worker told me something that kind of stuck with me. She told me she was mad at both of her parents for divorcing and not working through their problems. When I asked why they divorced, she gave me this story of her cheating mother. She stated that after the mother was caught, she blamed the father. This co-worker stated that it was entirely the mother's fault. The father even gave her a seconds chance and she continued to cheat. Yet, she still was mad at the father. I hope and pray my daughter doesn't feel this way one day. She is my life, but in reality what can I do. I never wanted this to happen. I sometimes think that I should just go back to wife, but I know she doesn't love me. I don't know. That's the only valid conclusion I have. I don't know.

Music

   I swear I love music. It's the only thing that keeps me sane. I listen to music as much as I can. It's also one of the avenues I use to bond with my daughter. We sing together and dance together. She loves music and often after a car ride she tells me she loves me. Our car rides are the best. I keep a pair of headphones everywhere I go. I listen to everything. I grew up on rap music. Z-ro, Chamillionaire, Slim thug, UGK, and some RnB. Then my parents listened to alot of tejano, some norteñas, and cumbias. I still love Tejano and Cumbias.
   I remember once I went to college, rap just didn't do anything for me. I began to explore every other genre. I fell in love with Coldplay, John Mayer, Jack Jonhson, Kings of Leon, etc.
   Now I listen to just about anything except heavy metal. I think music is amazing and you should listen to it as long as it hits your soul. My brother has a great poster with Bob Marley on it and it reads: “One good thing about music, when it hits you, you feel no pain.” This is how I feel, I'm not restricting myself to any genres or styles as long as the music hits me, then it will go in my playlist.
  Music also reprensents who I am. Growing up I listened to rap because it represented exactly who I was at the time. I was in a box. I have changed so much and my taste in music has also. I often hate the fact that we box ourselves in and act like who we think we should be. I listen to alot of things because I can relate to alot. After all, these people that sing are human, speaking about human emotions. Emotions that almost all of us go through. Its nice to know I can relate to so many people and where I'm from has nothing to do with me relating to them. Music is beautiful.

Confusion

   I woke up this sunday morning looked to my left and saw my wife. My head was pounding so I was definitely hung over. I guess this scene is not too weird except me and my wife are on the verge of divorce and have not spent more than 5 minutes together since December and the 3 months before that, not really living with each other. I was pretty mad at myself. Why did I come over and why did I spend the night? Obviously I was drunk but damn.
   The thing is, I want a divorce and I have tried very hard to avoid her. Although I am very much in love with her. Around November of 2011 she started working a new job and everyone there was really cool so they would go out to eat and go out at night. I remember how excited she was to actually get along with  everyone at work. But she began to go out more and more and stay out later and later. We have a 3 yr old daughter so I would just stay home and watch her. Fast forward to December 2011 and I found out she has been in a relationship with another man from work, who she says I love you to. Once I found out about this I left and yesterday was the first time I spent time with her since then. About a week after I left she began asking for forgiveness and for me to move in with her. (She got her own place in December) I forgave her and let her know this, but how could I move in? The reason, I moved out the first time was because she admitted to having sex with someone else (which I later found it was the same guy). Although I forgave rather quickly I moved out because I was struggling with what she had done. She didn't want us to live together because she wanted "space".
   People who have affairs  or cheat never really understand the pain they cause. The night I found out I didn't even get mad. I guess at that time I subconsciously already knew and also it meant there was no question about us being together. Prior to that day I had been asking and practically begging my wife to be honest and she would hit me with the cliche, I'm confused, I need to find myself, I need space. But she continued to say I love you. And I spent the night with her on most days. I had always felt as long as she says I love you, we can work it out eventually. I never saw her as the type of person who would lie as much as she did. When I think back to all her lies, its amazing how easy it was for her.
   Since the night I left in December I have struggled to be completely happy. For the most part I have been content with myself. I haven't talked shit, threatened her, blamed her or showed any anger towards her. That alone makes me proud. She even kept my daughter from me and I didn't rage. I simply let it be. But there are small moments filled with complete emotions. It consists of madness, sadness, regret, resentment, and memories flashing in my head. I usually end up crying. These fits (I guess you can call them that) usually last about 5 minutes when I'm alone and not doing absolutely nothing. I now realize that she has never really loved me. I have come to terms with that. I have also come to terms that I won't stop loving her. So me spending the night with her just confuses things. I don't want to be with her at all. But she probably thinks I do. The things is that I wish I could be with her. I miss her. And I definitely miss us as a family. I guess I made a mistake and hopefully I won't make it again.

Trying Again

    I've attempted to start this blog several times . I always write an intro, save and never come back to it. I remember the first attempt, it was about 2 or 3 am, I was tired, but couldn't sleep. The other thing I remember is that I was bugging out. I was so stressed. I was beyond lost. I had no job, stopped going to school and felt like my marriage was failing and would soon come crashing. I remember rationalizing that writing would be therapeutic and slowly I could get my life back on track. Well, who knows, what would of happened had I kept writing. Anyway here I sit at my desk, at work, waiting to go home. Bored out of my mind and deciding to write again. I still believe writing is therapeutic, but my life has changed so much since that first attempt. I sometimes don't believe where my life is at now. Honestly I worry that I will write too much. I have so much I  want to write about.
   I want to explain the name of this blog. Its actually quite simple. One of my life's biggest challenges is my student debt. Yes it is over $100,000. I have yet to attain a degree, but I want to and still believe I will. I actually see myself paying this debt off one day. I remember before I went to school I would tell people that one day I would be rich. I use to tell people that being rich is the ultimate freedom. I know now that the ultimate freedom is zero debt. I refer to debt not just as monetary value but also owing people favors or owing someone something. Being able to completely live for you is the ultimate freedom.