Confusion

   I woke up this sunday morning looked to my left and saw my wife. My head was pounding so I was definitely hung over. I guess this scene is not too weird except me and my wife are on the verge of divorce and have not spent more than 5 minutes together since December and the 3 months before that, not really living with each other. I was pretty mad at myself. Why did I come over and why did I spend the night? Obviously I was drunk but damn.
   The thing is, I want a divorce and I have tried very hard to avoid her. Although I am very much in love with her. Around November of 2011 she started working a new job and everyone there was really cool so they would go out to eat and go out at night. I remember how excited she was to actually get along with  everyone at work. But she began to go out more and more and stay out later and later. We have a 3 yr old daughter so I would just stay home and watch her. Fast forward to December 2011 and I found out she has been in a relationship with another man from work, who she says I love you to. Once I found out about this I left and yesterday was the first time I spent time with her since then. About a week after I left she began asking for forgiveness and for me to move in with her. (She got her own place in December) I forgave her and let her know this, but how could I move in? The reason, I moved out the first time was because she admitted to having sex with someone else (which I later found it was the same guy). Although I forgave rather quickly I moved out because I was struggling with what she had done. She didn't want us to live together because she wanted "space".
   People who have affairs  or cheat never really understand the pain they cause. The night I found out I didn't even get mad. I guess at that time I subconsciously already knew and also it meant there was no question about us being together. Prior to that day I had been asking and practically begging my wife to be honest and she would hit me with the cliche, I'm confused, I need to find myself, I need space. But she continued to say I love you. And I spent the night with her on most days. I had always felt as long as she says I love you, we can work it out eventually. I never saw her as the type of person who would lie as much as she did. When I think back to all her lies, its amazing how easy it was for her.
   Since the night I left in December I have struggled to be completely happy. For the most part I have been content with myself. I haven't talked shit, threatened her, blamed her or showed any anger towards her. That alone makes me proud. She even kept my daughter from me and I didn't rage. I simply let it be. But there are small moments filled with complete emotions. It consists of madness, sadness, regret, resentment, and memories flashing in my head. I usually end up crying. These fits (I guess you can call them that) usually last about 5 minutes when I'm alone and not doing absolutely nothing. I now realize that she has never really loved me. I have come to terms with that. I have also come to terms that I won't stop loving her. So me spending the night with her just confuses things. I don't want to be with her at all. But she probably thinks I do. The things is that I wish I could be with her. I miss her. And I definitely miss us as a family. I guess I made a mistake and hopefully I won't make it again.