I walked out

I just walked out of my wife's apartment for the last time. I have not worked out or posted anything because when I'm with her, I totally get emerged in her. I caught her again talking to the same man she had the affair with. She still loves him. She talks to multiple people. I'm shocked and sad. But, I can't say I didn't give her a chance. I can get back to postinh thoughts and ideas. This isn't as bad as it seems because I never allowed myself to completely trust her. I'm actually relieved....(sigh)

Draft: I wish I could...(unsent text)

I wish I could completely understand you. I wish I knew exactly what you wanted from me. I wish I knew why you don't completely love me. I wish I knew exactly the reason, why, I am not enough for you because maybe then, I could somehow change myself to fullfill those needs. Maybe then I could fix, whatever it is, that is wrong with me. I know that it's probably impossible, but for you, it's worth a shot. So just answer me so I can get to work.

This seems a little pathetic, but it's exactly how I feel. Of course, I will never send this text to my wife. Someone once told me that, at this point, my pride should take over my heart. Its true and its the only thing that keeps from sending this or any other pleas, for her to love the way I want. I miss her. I started spending time with her again. Things seemed cool, but she said some things that were very weird to me. That I couldn't complain if she was talking to someone. I did find out that the man she use to state was her "best friend " spent valentine's with her at her job. I do have to mention that when she was telling me to move back in and that she would change she stated she didn't talk to him at all. I was highly disappointed. I just walked out, there's no point of fighting anymore. She did ask why I was leaving and I didn't say anything, but I asked her to just live life, the way she really wants to. I do wish it was with me, but I have to accept it. I am really starting to see the lesson. Life is trying to teach me to let go. To let her be happy even if it will hurt me. It's teaching me to be strong. I need to learn these lessons and like a good parent my life is showing me hard lessons. I'm actually not sad. I'm disappointed, but she will find happiness and I'm content with that right now. I say right now, because I know I still have to see her date, marry, and have other kids. At least right now I'm ready for that pain.

Guilt

Today is my daughter's birthday. Although she spent the night with me, I dropped her off, around midday, with my wife. She is having a skating party. I had planed to attend, but in a cowardly fashion I didn't go in the end. I didn't want to deal with my wife's best friend and her friend's family. They see me as the bad guy. It's like in their eyes, I pushed my wife to have an affair. I have never pointed fingers at my wife throughout our years. Even my mom always thought I was the reason for our fights. I would just suit and listen to my mom advice me on how I should change. I caught her various times talking to other men. She has admitted to having a secret relationship with her ex, whom she told me she still cares for. I have a broken heart. That's it. I hope one day I can feel no pain when I see my wife, but right now everything is so fresh and I have to admit, I still break down and cry sometimes. With all that, I feel extremely weak and guilty for not being there for my daughter. This time last year, I was watching my daughter play in her bounce house, and watching her brand new dog. In less than a year MY world has been stolen from me. I still hate my actions right now. It basically proves her best friend right. I feel soft. As a man, and most importantly as a father, I should of went. I justified it this morning by telling myself that it wasn't my fault that I didn't go. I told myself that if she would of kept us together I wouldn't be in this position. It is my fault. I decided to not go. I should of sucked it up. Now, I missed my daughter's 4th birthday because of a weak emotional reaction on my end. I have no one to blame but myself.

Very Random

I'm in the living room, The Chilli Peppers are blasting through the speakers and I'm kind of just chillin. My brother is here and we are just talking about the most random subjects. Mainly, concepts that we have about life. I really do have a strong belief that the negative things that happen to us are just life lessons. If we really understand this and accept it, I think it would really keep people from struggling and keep them moving forward instead  of dwelling on the past. Although, I understand we are emotional beings. Trust me. I am very emotional and tend to think about the past and how I could of done something different. I understand that dwelling on the past will have no benefit on the present or the future yet I still think about it. I don't why, I guess its just who I am. I can, stop thinking about it if I consciously make the effort. That's the point consciously making the effort to change. Just like anything else whenever you keep doing something over and over it becomes part of you. It becomes natural. I read a quote and it basically stated that the constant perseverance to better ourselves is the meaning of life. I think this is true.

Just Writing

  I originally wanted to write this blog in order to write my thoughts and ideas down. I have no direction in which I would like to take this blog. I don't just want to write about events unfolding in my life. I hope that one day I have a greater clarification and direction for this blog but until then I plan to just write. Whatever comes from it, is not really important to me, at this point.
  It is my lunch break, and today I skipped my usual lunch in the cafeteria with co-workers to hit up this park near my job. I'm sitting on a bench and the weather is in the mid 50s but it is very sunny so it feels great. I needed to get away today, to think. I consider myself a loner and introvert, although I know that for the most part its socially unacceptable to be this way. But every now and then I must indulge in being alone and just thinking. I have always been an over thinker. I want clarification about everything. I often can spend a while just thinking about a certain situation or event and wonder, why? I want answers and I can honestly say it gets frustrating at times. I envy my dad's attitude. He is very calm and doesn't do too much thinking. Its almost as if he just accepts life as it comes his way. This way of living, to me, doesn't make sense, but I can see the benefit of it. Thinking about things doesn't really help the situation. Alot of what happens to us in life is beyond our control and the best strategy is to just let it be and accept.
  The thing about me is I want to constantly better myself. I want to find balance in everything I do. I want to think and analyze situations until they make sense but I also want to know when its time to just let it be. I'm definitely a work in progress. I remember I use to wonder what is the meaning or purpose of life. I'm starting to think that its simply to continually work in bettering ourselves. I am definitely trying.

Sad

  I spend all day joking and smiling. I really am a great actor. While I am at work I pretend that I have not one care in the world. I am friends with everyone and they invite me places and some tell me their problems and I have one real friend who knows my life. But, what they don't know is I'm not completely happy or even remotely happy. I'm sad. I miss my life, wife, my little family. I never needed the parties, the friends, money, anything. I was so happy that I had what I had at such an early age. To me, its so beautiful to have someone there that knows everything about you, all of your secrets and everything that is good and bad about you. Despite everything, they love you for who you are and will be there for the rest of your life. At least at some point I thought I had this.
   I staeted to feel down because I just told my daughter that she was going with her mother and that I'll pick her up on Sunday. Her eyes began to water. I hugged her, told her I loved her and asked, "Are you sad?" She nodded in agreement. I hate to disappoint her. And sometimes... no, I always feel she deserves a regular family. I feel like a bad father, like I'm letting her down. A co-worker told me something that kind of stuck with me. She told me she was mad at both of her parents for divorcing and not working through their problems. When I asked why they divorced, she gave me this story of her cheating mother. She stated that after the mother was caught, she blamed the father. This co-worker stated that it was entirely the mother's fault. The father even gave her a seconds chance and she continued to cheat. Yet, she still was mad at the father. I hope and pray my daughter doesn't feel this way one day. She is my life, but in reality what can I do. I never wanted this to happen. I sometimes think that I should just go back to wife, but I know she doesn't love me. I don't know. That's the only valid conclusion I have. I don't know.

Music

   I swear I love music. It's the only thing that keeps me sane. I listen to music as much as I can. It's also one of the avenues I use to bond with my daughter. We sing together and dance together. She loves music and often after a car ride she tells me she loves me. Our car rides are the best. I keep a pair of headphones everywhere I go. I listen to everything. I grew up on rap music. Z-ro, Chamillionaire, Slim thug, UGK, and some RnB. Then my parents listened to alot of tejano, some norteñas, and cumbias. I still love Tejano and Cumbias.
   I remember once I went to college, rap just didn't do anything for me. I began to explore every other genre. I fell in love with Coldplay, John Mayer, Jack Jonhson, Kings of Leon, etc.
   Now I listen to just about anything except heavy metal. I think music is amazing and you should listen to it as long as it hits your soul. My brother has a great poster with Bob Marley on it and it reads: “One good thing about music, when it hits you, you feel no pain.” This is how I feel, I'm not restricting myself to any genres or styles as long as the music hits me, then it will go in my playlist.
  Music also reprensents who I am. Growing up I listened to rap because it represented exactly who I was at the time. I was in a box. I have changed so much and my taste in music has also. I often hate the fact that we box ourselves in and act like who we think we should be. I listen to alot of things because I can relate to alot. After all, these people that sing are human, speaking about human emotions. Emotions that almost all of us go through. Its nice to know I can relate to so many people and where I'm from has nothing to do with me relating to them. Music is beautiful.