Guilt

Today is my daughter's birthday. Although she spent the night with me, I dropped her off, around midday, with my wife. She is having a skating party. I had planed to attend, but in a cowardly fashion I didn't go in the end. I didn't want to deal with my wife's best friend and her friend's family. They see me as the bad guy. It's like in their eyes, I pushed my wife to have an affair. I have never pointed fingers at my wife throughout our years. Even my mom always thought I was the reason for our fights. I would just suit and listen to my mom advice me on how I should change. I caught her various times talking to other men. She has admitted to having a secret relationship with her ex, whom she told me she still cares for. I have a broken heart. That's it. I hope one day I can feel no pain when I see my wife, but right now everything is so fresh and I have to admit, I still break down and cry sometimes. With all that, I feel extremely weak and guilty for not being there for my daughter. This time last year, I was watching my daughter play in her bounce house, and watching her brand new dog. In less than a year MY world has been stolen from me. I still hate my actions right now. It basically proves her best friend right. I feel soft. As a man, and most importantly as a father, I should of went. I justified it this morning by telling myself that it wasn't my fault that I didn't go. I told myself that if she would of kept us together I wouldn't be in this position. It is my fault. I decided to not go. I should of sucked it up. Now, I missed my daughter's 4th birthday because of a weak emotional reaction on my end. I have no one to blame but myself.