Sad

  I spend all day joking and smiling. I really am a great actor. While I am at work I pretend that I have not one care in the world. I am friends with everyone and they invite me places and some tell me their problems and I have one real friend who knows my life. But, what they don't know is I'm not completely happy or even remotely happy. I'm sad. I miss my life, wife, my little family. I never needed the parties, the friends, money, anything. I was so happy that I had what I had at such an early age. To me, its so beautiful to have someone there that knows everything about you, all of your secrets and everything that is good and bad about you. Despite everything, they love you for who you are and will be there for the rest of your life. At least at some point I thought I had this.
   I staeted to feel down because I just told my daughter that she was going with her mother and that I'll pick her up on Sunday. Her eyes began to water. I hugged her, told her I loved her and asked, "Are you sad?" She nodded in agreement. I hate to disappoint her. And sometimes... no, I always feel she deserves a regular family. I feel like a bad father, like I'm letting her down. A co-worker told me something that kind of stuck with me. She told me she was mad at both of her parents for divorcing and not working through their problems. When I asked why they divorced, she gave me this story of her cheating mother. She stated that after the mother was caught, she blamed the father. This co-worker stated that it was entirely the mother's fault. The father even gave her a seconds chance and she continued to cheat. Yet, she still was mad at the father. I hope and pray my daughter doesn't feel this way one day. She is my life, but in reality what can I do. I never wanted this to happen. I sometimes think that I should just go back to wife, but I know she doesn't love me. I don't know. That's the only valid conclusion I have. I don't know.